Remembering Names, Part 2

13 07 2009

In an earlier post, I mentioned a unique method for learning names.   However, no matter how good we are, we are all  human – sometimes we will forget.  In fact, although with our self-deprecating attitudes we tend to think otherwise, the truth is that 95% of the population is bad with names (and 85% of statistics are made up on the spot – but that’s besides the point).  So the question isn’t so much whether we forget, but how we handle forgetting.  Imagine two scenarios:

Scenario 1. You forget someone’s name.  You are too embarrassed to ask them.  You continue to be awkward around them for weeks thinking that someone will drop their name eventually and you won’t have to ask.  You can’t establish an open relationship.  Eventually, someone does drop their name.  But by now it is too late – their opinion of you is already formed – you are the shy awkward person who seems to always hold back.

Scenario 2: You forget someone’s name.  You are embarrassed, but you ask them to remind you anyways (this may even happen more than once).  They tell you, and you laugh and joke about the whole situation.  You establish a normal relationship.  They forget that you forgot their name because  of other good experiences that come along.  Their opinion of you is formed – you are an awesome person who is fun to be around and knows when to not take life too seriously.

Same situation, two different approaches, two different outcomes.  Which do you prefer?  Don’t be afraid to ask.



Paper Social Network

13 07 2009

Summer’s here.  Well okay, it’s been here for a while.  But if you live in a college town like me, you know what this means – social life can fall flat, especially if everyone else goes home.  All of the sudden you find yourself back at square one in the meeting new people stage.  Unfortunately, meeting new people is easier said than done.  Sometimes we can get in such a social rut and become so comfortable with a few close friends that when they aren’t around, we don’t know what to do. When this happened to me this summer, I got kind of desparate.  After doing some brainstorming, I got this crazy idea – physically map out my social network.  I thought this would just be a fun experiment, but to my surprise it actually helped me socially.  With this map, I knew exactly who to talk to and where to go to expand my circle of friends.

Here’s how to do it:

  1. Take a piece of paper and draw a circle in the middle.  In that circle, write “Me”.
  2. Create more circles with your closest friends (or groups of friends) directly above and below your circle.  Connect with lines.
  3. Create circles farther out for friends you don’t talk to as much, then connect them to your circle.
  4. For friends of friends, draw circles on the outside connected to the person that you know them through.
  5. Review your map and ask yourself some questions:
    1. Who have I not spent time with lately?
    2. Who might have some great friends I could meet?
    3. Who should I develop stronger relationships with?
  6. Finally, make concrete plans to expand your network.

my first social network (yes, I can be a nerd sometimes - I did it on the computer)

It doesn’t matter how large or small your network currently is – this visual approach will help you to see where relationships can be strengthened and where your best sources for new friends are.  Give it a try – let me know how it works for you.



Remembering Names

11 07 2009

Last summer I was placed in an interesting situation.  I had just left Texas and was starting a new year of college at Brigham Young University in Utah.  It so happened that I didn’t know a single person in the apartment complex I was moving to, and I was also slightly introverted and extremely self-conscious (more posts on how I got over that another time).  Being the type of person who always feels the need to work on something, I set a unique summer goal – to shed the “sorry, I’m really bad with names” excuse.  The fact is, I was horrible with names.  Someone would introduce themselves, and the name wouldn’t even stick around for two seconds.

I figured a new life in a new state would be perfect practicing ground for developing this trait.  I had heard various pieces of advice on the subject, but I wasn’t really sure which method would work for me.  So, I made my own.  It consisted of a few simple principles:

1. Always carry a notecard and a pen in your pocket

2. When someone shares their name, make a pointed effort to take mental note of it.  Repeat it in your mind as they talk.  Repeat it back to them in your conversation.

3. Look for something unique and unchanging about that person that you can associate with their name.  It helps if it rhymes with their name, but this is not at all necessary. (ei “Jenny – overly jubilant’ or ‘Mark – sounds like the movie trailer voice’).

4. As soon as they turn their back, take out your notecard, and write down their name and their unique characteristic.  Just a note – if ever there was a place to be euphemistic, this is it!  The last thing you want is for someone to stumble on their notecard and see something  like ‘Kyle  – guy version of Susan Boyle.’

5. Review your notecard that night and also before any situation in which you might potentially see that person again.

I learned a lot about how my memory works from this experience.  Before, when someone would say their name, it would go in one ear and out the other.  This is how we are conditioned to accept information. We let the specifics pass through, and only hold on to the big picture.  What we hear is “Hey my name’s Tanya.  I’m from California.”  What we remember is “she’s a girl and she’s not from here.”  This is how normal interactions should be – if we get bogged down in every detail, it would be too hard to have a normal conversation.   Most people claim to be bad with names because   they haven’t trained themselves to take special note of that one crucial piece of information.

The notecard method forces your mind to focus on names as they come up.  The notecard is a physical reminder that you are responsible to remember the name and the person associated with it.  The beauty of this system is that a focus on names eventually becomes natural and you can shed the notecard.  Go ahead – give it a try.  Meet some new people and show you genuinely care by remembering their names.